“65% of Otley to have power by 2010” says electric man.

A man from the electric people has confirmed that more Otlonians will have electricity soon, sparking anger amongst some residents. “We don’t want it!” said local candlestick maker Thomas Wick, who asked not to be named…

Otley Becoming “Gay Mecca”.

The town is fast becoming a mecca for the gays, according to Rev. Quentin Brownspot, after a second one moved in last Thursday. “It’s getting as bad as Brighton or Hull” he raged. “There’ll be a hairdressers on every corner before you know where we are, and they’ll be asking if Liza Minelli can come and play at the Church Hall” …

Man can claim pension for llama, rules court.

After a bitter battle at the High Court in That London, a man whose common-law llama was refused a pension has had the decision overturned. It marks a victory for hundreds of townsfolk and their live-in animals…

Man denies vicious “holiday abroad” rumour.

Victor Bramble from Spumgate vehemently denied he was considering taking his family for a fortnight Abroad, despite allegations to the contrary. “I would never do such a thing” he said. “Abroad is full of foreigners with their funny ways and garlic and whatnot. They don’t even speak English, the dirty bastards.

Butterdog breeder branded “monster” by RSLBA.

An Otley breeder whose brutal treatment of butterdog puppies was revealed by the RSLBA (Royal Society for the Love of Butter Animals) has fought back against “slurs on his name”. Elwin Kerrygold allegedly fed the animals inferior butter substitutes such as Flora, and on accasion even Aldi own brand margarine.

Town’s oldest masseur dies from complications ...

Eileen ‘Madam’ Lovelock, Otley’s much-loved masseur and provider of personal services, died in her sleep yesterday at her home in Back Alley. Ms. Lovelock, who helped ease the pain of Otley’s gentlemen folk for more than 60 years, had been suffering from a repetitive wrist injury and severe sore throat.